When we are struggling to work out how we want to live our lives, hanging on to the idea that we want to live a life that is somehow guided by something we trust – personal values, or principles, or a sense of inner ethics – then sometimes a little process can help us. Here’s a six-step process by which we can keep the importance of our ethical values front and centre, influencing our actions.
- Know your values and apply them to decision making
- Set the example (both to yourself and to others in your family and social groups)
- Establish clear expectations of appropriate conduct among your different circles
- Provide feedback and support around behaviour – point out the good and the bad
- Acknowledge and praise behaviours that reflects the values you espouse but respect individual differences – people can hold different values.
- Establish mentoring for those you can most influence
A clear theme that runs through these mechanisms is consistency. We get the culture we deserve, so we must be the change we want to see. What’s helpful to understand here is that generally both consistency and predictability are valued by friends and family members, especially as the environments within which we try to be good parents, offspring, family members, neighbours and friends become ever more volatile, uncertain, complex or ambiguous.
If you’re applying inappropriate (self-directed) values to your decision-making, and if the example that you set is therefore not one that those you influence would want to emulate, then failing at steps one and two may be what is contributing to a less-than-desirable culture that is causing you to question how you are living your life. Certainly, you may make little effort against the other steps.
If this description fits you, then you might ask yourself, “Do I tend to value results over good conduct and standard maintenance? Do I tend to see values-led behaviour as a barrier to results achievement?” If you do then this will in turn prohibit you from successfully undertaking steps four and five, because you will lack the credibility to behave in these ways. It may be that you care less for observing and respecting values than you do for getting things done. As you juggle with the work/life balance dilemma, this may be entirely understandable, but it will not help you to build the culture you want around yourself and your circle.
Step six is also likely to be a step too far, both in terms of having the credibility to undertake the work required but also in terms of valuing the activity enough to do it. Why would you offer to influence others if you are not at peace with who you are? This perpetuates the mounting dissatisfaction that you feel, and the associated culture crisis: how you are currently, being neither authentic nor sustainable, cannot bring a long-term culture to your family and the circles you inhabit that is rewarding for them and for you.
This is not to deny the six steps. They are a solid template for change. But it’s like that old joke about change: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but then lightbulb has got to want to change.
So, do you want to change?
Do you have or can you develop values base on which to build? I would argue that self-transcendent values and positive other-directed emotions are important aspects of the authenticity that will help the process embodied in the six steps. Being concerned for the common good is considered authentic, and authentic individuals have a personal virtue and moral wisdom that keeps power abuse and self-aggrandisement in check. Authentic individuals are guided by explicit and conscious values that enable them to operate at higher levels of moral integrity, with moral standards or values that emphasise the collective interests of the groups they inhabit within a greater society.
So, the gap lies here: if you are unhappy or discontented with the quality of your life, it may be that you have drifted away from or have never experienced authenticity, your true self. And is there a common path to authenticity? Can others learn from the journey to authenticity taken by authentic individuals? I am clear that values are an important aspect of authenticity, but where do authentics source their values? How do we treat with values differently to other people, what is different in us that allows us to sustain values in the face of adversity, and is this difference what makes us authentic, or is it merely a contributing factor, a part of a more complex picture?
At Indigo Sails we have a cadre of truly exceptional authentic individuals who can help you to explore these questions and others like them as you undertake a voyage of discovery in any of the different ways that you can experience Indigo. Our passion is to help others to explore and discover what we have found. Journey with us.
Roger Delves MA (Hons) Oxon, FRSA
Professor of Practice in Leadership
